This Tuesday, local history teacher Graham Malcolm came out of hibernation to enjoy his favorite pastime of taunting freshmen and scaring small children near his home under a bridge.
Students spotted Malcolm during Color War 2017, as he emerged from a dark corner of the woodlands to pelt a freshman girl with a rotten tomato. Mortified students retreated to athletic competitions, which are the creature’s known weakness. Malcolm spent the remainder of the day in shorts and bare feet, chugging Gatorade in the sun and watching grades nine through 12 compete in non-lethal gladiatorial games for points, all while maintaining an illusion of power.
“He’s weird,” said a freshman who wanted to remain anonymous. “He just seems so angry at us, and we didn’t do anything at all.”
Malcolm proceeded to tell the freshmen that their opinions didn’t matter, as they are not people. Four girls and two boys immediately began crying, and one boy began to talk to a tree.
Normally, Malcolm can be seen in his natural habitat brooding over a mug of coffee with rolled up sleeves–and sometimes even with a guitar–on the fourth floor in a dark corner. He was last spotted heading toward the Everglades, singing “Tiny Dancer” in a falsetto.
By: Serina Motola (12th grade)