This week, Hebrew Academy investigators revealed to students the results of their investigation into the controversy behind “Paper Towel Gate.”
In 2008, investigators said the Hebrew Academy Science department discovered that paper towels in the bathroom cause “Mahnamesavram” disease. This disease gives major eyebrow twitching and extreme ADD to the affected. A well known survivor of this disease is Avram Noodle (12th grade).
Upon this discovery, all paper towels were immediately removed from the bathrooms, but this year the girls’ bathrooms were restocked with paper towels. Investigators explained the shocking reason behind this recent turn of events: In last year’s high school presidential election, Daniel Chwaniel beat Avram Noodle to become student council president. According to investigators, Hilu was counting on the girls vote, so when he lost, he blamed them. As an act of revenge towards the Hebrew Academy girls, Noodle continuously refills paper towels for the girls every morning, hoping that they get Mahnamesavram disease.
Now Hebrew Academy students must suffer the consequences.
“It’s preposterous that we don’t have paper towels. My hands are always wet when I get out of the bathroom and everyone thinks it’s urine,” said an anonymous freshman.
By: Dan Cohen (12th grade)